On Acceptance and Evolution

My youngest son is 6 and a half. From three days after his birth I've been wishing on and off for more children. I'm 43 and the older I get the more I realize it's not going to happen nor should it really. I had my sons when I was 35 and 37 and there were no complications. I was lucky. I'm also extremely maternal and once my boys were born I went from depressed and anxious pregnant woman to feeling full of happiness and light and loving my babies SO much. Sure there were plenty of hard times but there has been SO much joy as well. Their births are still so memorable they are almost tangible to me. Two of the most amazingly beautiful experiences in my life. It's been very hard for me to realize that part of my life is over. 

A few nights ago I woke at 2:30 in the morning and had the sudden but beautiful revelation that I was ready to finally close that chapter of my life! This is huge for me. To spend six years pining for a new baby but knowing the whole time that it would be hard and potentially too much for my family to handle. Had another baby come along at some point we would have welcomed that child with open and loving arms. But I know that my life would not be where it is right at this moment. 

My mother always said I was a late bloomer. She's always been right. I've done a lot of interesting things toward a career in my life, many of those in the last six years. All the while my husband has been incredibly supportive and giving of his time and energy to help support me in these endeavors. 

Last February I opened my etsy shop and although I've had a blast with it and still love what I do, the way my business is currently evolving is truly wonderful for me. It's an awakening, a coming home. A birthing.

I have started working with the amazing Makenna Johnston, The Bliss Doula, who helps birth not only human babies but also businesses. She is helping me birth mine and the amount of change I'm going through right now is pretty incredible. It's liberating and I wake up every morning actually happy to face the day. As someone who's lived a lifetime of depression and anxiety, this is huge. And it's all happening at the same time I'm reducing my anti-anxiety medication.

I feel real changes happening and they are happening with a different sort of birth than I ever expected. 

I'm honored to be sharing with you and looking forward to all the new things I'm about to launch. 

Yesterday I had the honor of holding my friend's six month old son for an hour or so. I loved every minute of it. But for the first time in six years, I did not have that wistful feeling when I handed him back. I did not pine for an infant of my own. Instead I gave my two beautiful sons a lot of hugs, told them how much I loved them and thanked the universe for my good fortune. That is incredible progress.